My life long Mental Struggle with my Body

Body shaming happens at every weight and age. I remember being shamed by family members when I was 9 years old and not even fat, my mother would tell me I had thunder thighs. Let me start from some what of the beginning to give you some insight on to my weight issues. I was adopted when I was 8 years old by two upper middle class white catholic people. They weren't horrible parents but my mom had been overweight her whole childhood until she was around 25 and decided to lose the weight. So she was always overly cautious of me "not gaining weight" which just made me focus on my weight from a young age and I began an unhealthy relationship with food. That is not all that contribute to it though. Before I was adopted my life was not good. I was extremely poor. My birth-mother was a crackhead and often my older brother and younger sister and I were left to feed ourselves, which was difficult when she had no money to go get us grocery. We ate a lot of wonder bread with mayo and ketchup. At times it got really bad and we had to even resort to eating dog biscuits. That is not a thing I enjoy admitting but I want to show that you can not see someones story by just looking at them. So naturally when I was adopted and had my food threatened by my new mother I began hording it in my bedroom. She would find it and yell at me "whats wrong with you". She didn't realize I was having serious issues I should probably have talked to someone about. She just attributed it to me wanting to gorge myself on sweets. I didn't really ever even do that. I just kept food in my dress and closet because it felt good and comforting to have it close. I had also been molested by my step father at a very young age before I was adopted and turned to food too like many children who are hurt in this way and began to get a little heavier but I was still not over weight.  See this article
I did grow into my curves very young. Which then I began to be shamed by my piers around 11 and 12 years old. I would be called a fat slut for simply being curvier. I had guilt over this like I had done something wrong. I hadn't done anything to deserve the label my piers gave me but non the less it followed me through high school. My mother dressed me in boys clothes for a long time and everything I wore had to cover everything! I grew up in the church and was held to very high standards of perfection in every aspect of my young life. My first serious boyfriend and I decided to have sex when I was 16. I was still very uncomfortable with my body. I wouldn't let my boyfriend see me completely naked. I thought I was fat at 120lbs. So my fate was that I got pregnant the very first time I had sex. I gained 80lbs during my pregnancy. After I delivered I was around 150lbs and felt like a whale.

Body acceptance started coming around more when I graduated and began to travel. I got a lot of attention which helped boost my ego. I had stretch marks from my pregnancy but I knew I was pretty. When I returned home my freshmen year at college I gained back the weight and went up to 180lbs. Which caused my self esteem to plummet. Everyone I knew had a comment whether it came from a place of love or not. I was forced to hear their constant opinions on everything I ate, wore, or did. I ended up dropping out of school and pretty much just hid under a rock for a few years.

My body positive outlook came from discovering this niche even existed. I had no clue there was even on guy on this planet who loved bbw. So upon discovering this amazing community of love and admirers I felt I had to reevaluate what the rest of society and my family and friends had told me my whole life. It took time but I can say no loving truly every inch on my body is liberating. Liberate yourself. Love yourself. I hope my sharing some of my story helps.